A Cross to Bear

A Cross to Bear

I raked the leaves into piles, staring at the never ending browns, reds, and golds scattered across the grass. Quill and Justin were on the other side of the church, where the trees stood even denser, so I guess I should be happy that they’d left me on this side, but I felt like an outcast. Not that I didn’t deserve it after this morning. I’d been vile to Quill, refusing to get up and calling him all kinds of names that still made me blush. He’d finally dragged me into the promised cold shower, soaking himself in the process, and he’d landed several hard swats while I was still wet. Breakfast had been a delightful meal with Quill handing me a pile of those dreaded Chance cards. I wasn’t looking forward to fifteen minutes of corner time twice, polishing the silver, and mopping the kitchen floor. I’d drawn one free pass, but it’d done nothing to improve my temper.

The service had been interminable today. It was something that Andy had called a high service. It was full of bells, candles, and incense smoke. To me at least, it seemed one step above sacrificing animals and worshiping the moon and stars as gods. I’d been restless to the point of utter rudeness. Quill had at first confiscated my cellphone when I started writing office emails, and then he’d actually walked me out and pointed me to the small room that served as the church library and told me to wait.

It wasn’t a library I wanted to visit again. I’d never seen so many books on dying, and if the book wasn’t on dying it was on on how to find God in your ordinary life -- thrilling stuff. I finally sat down at the table, propped my head on my hands, and brooded on what Quill was going to do to me. Getting dragged out of church like a misbehaving toddler had been bad enough. I didn’t want to find out what round two would be like at home. When the service was over, it hadn’t been Quill who came to get me but Andy. He’d given me a wry grin and sent me out to rake the leaves.

I hated leaves. Quill’s house was surrounded by trees, and this was worse. I threw the rake on the ground and dropped to the damp grass, wrapping my arms around my legs. I was sitting innocently, contemplating the misery of my world when I spotted the tall figure of Dan striding towards me. Oh great, now I’m going to get a blazing lecture about my behavior in church. I was already on his shit list after the Halloween stunt Justin and I had pulled. I jumped up and grabbed the rake in a fruitless attempt to pretend that I was the picture of industry.

“I saw you earlier,” Dan said, his tone light, but he always spoke in a way that made my stomach hurt and my heartbeat increase. “Come talk to me.” That wasn’t an invitation but a command. He was carrying two glasses of cider and motioned me towards a low wall that was surrounding a small playground.

I sat down on the wall, brushing a few leaves aside, and stared at Dan. I’m sure my expression was as sullen as I felt.

“Aren’t you in a sunny mood today,” Dan said, his voice still light. “No wonder Quill looked like he wanted to strangle you.” Dan smiled, but his gray eyes didn’t lose their intensity. 

“He probably should have,” I muttered under my breath. I thought I said it softly enough that Dan wouldn’t hear or at least wouldn’t understand. I’d forgotten about tops’ bionic hearing.

“He didn’t do anything this morning?” Dan said with a raised eyebrow.

“What business is it of yours, anyway? I’m not a damn Anglican or whatever and what the hell is an Episcopalian, Anglican, Catholic? They’re all crazy Christians to me. I don’t think I’m even Christian. I don’t believe in a God that magicked the world and all the universe in seven days and turns wine into the blood of Christ with abracadabra and arm waving.” I thought I’d shock Dan with my vehement anti-Christianity, but he sat on the wall, placidly sipping his cider.

“Anything else you want to get off your chest?”

If he’d done anything but sit there sipping cider like a Victorian hero with a lemonade I probably would have started shouting; instead I mumbled, “No,” and could feel my neck turning a lovely shade of red.

“Brat.” Dan squeezed my shoulder. “You know, if you want to talk about this Christianity thing, I’m considered an expert. I also know a bit about brats if that’s what’s bothering you.” Dan took another drink of cider. “Maybe it’s the weather, but Sam’s been horrid all week.” Dan’s expression softened when he talked about Sam, and I could see a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“I think the leaves need raking.” It was a miserable excuse, but it was all I could think of with that formidable top studying me.

“Sit,” he growled. I sat. Quill might not have gotten the whole spanking thing down, but I had no doubt that Dan had mastered it. Dan gave me a sweet smile; the smile I’d seen when he was charming the older parishioners or swinging small children in his arms. “I’m a priest. My job is to listen, and I’m only a top if you want me to be.”

I gave him an incredulous look; he oozed toppishness from every pore in his body. Only a top if I wanted him to be --bullshit!

“Do you and Quill compare excuses? He gave me the same runaround about the leaves when I was asked him what was going on. I know I can intimidate him into talking to me. I’ve done it before, but I’d rather talk to you.” Dan gave me a long, slow look before taking another sip of cider.

We stared at each other for a long time. I wished I had Quill’s marbles or a yoyo -- something to keep my hands busy. I wanted to walk around or kick the leaves that lay in messy piles, but I knew Dan would stop me. “So is this how you get people to confess? You stare at them until they crack?”

“Confession isn’t something I pry out of you as if you were a suspect in a TV cop show. Dan said, still never taking his smoky gray eyes off me. “It’s something you offer to God -- but I thought you just told me you weren’t a Christian.”

“I’m not: at least I don’t think I am. All that crap about Noah’s ark and a six thousand year old earth,” I snapped at him.

“I didn’t ask if you were a fundamentalist. The presiding bishop was trained as a marine biologist. I don’t she equates young earth beliefs with Christianity.”

“Whatever.”

“That’s not an answer.” Dan said in a mild tone, but I squirmed under his gaze. “Look,” he said quietly and sincerely. “If there is any part of coming to church that conflicts with your fundamental beliefs about life or faith, I will make sure Quill never brings you again. Religion is not about coercion, and I will not be a part of coercion.”

I nodded. It would be so easy. All I needed to say was the Episcopal faith violated my belief in the flying spaghetti monster, and I’d never have to come again. But it would be a lie. I might not have grown up in a religious family, but I had been taught not to lie when people are sincere. I decided silence was the safest course.

“You know, Sam’s not Episcopalian, and if you pressed him, he’d tell you he was agnostic to the core.”

“But he sings in the choir.”

“Yes, he likes music, and we enjoy doing things together. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he never takes communion. Singing in the choir is a way for him to share an important part of my life. I don’t ask him to believe what he can’t.” Dan paused again to watch my reaction. I wished he’d get on with it. It was a lot easier to ignore someone who talked fast, not slow with thoughtful pauses. “Don’t you like cider?”

I shrugged, still clutching the near full glass in my hand. I didn’t dislike cider, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d drunk it. I ran a finger from my other hand around the glass. Dan stood and plucked the glass out of my hand. Suddenly I was thirsty; I licked my dry lips and reached to take it back.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Dan set the glass further out of reach. “It’s something you should know about me. When I ask a question I like to be answered. So far, except for a few hurled insults, I’ve been doing all the talking.”

“Are you this blunt with all your parishioners, or do you treat me this way because I’m a brat?” I blinked back a few tears and swallowed hard. I wasn’t going to cry; I didn’t even know why I wanted to cry.

“I’m treating you this way, as you put it, because you’re my friend, and you seem unhappy. Am I wrong?”

I didn’t know Dan well enough to consider him a friend. Ever since the haunted house incident, he’d dropped by a few times with an excuse that he was in the neighborhood, or he noticed our newspaper in our drive getting wet. He’d talked to Quill and tried to talk to me, but I’d done what I’d always done with Lawrence, let Lawrence do the talking and nod in appropriate places.

Dan snorted with exasperation, put his hand on my knee and shook my leg a few times. “So how does Quill get you to talk, or does he accept your vow of silence? Maybe he plays both roles like a ventriloquist. Jake, dear, how was the office?” Dan said in an exaggerated baritone. He then replied in a strong nasal tone. “Oh, wonderful, a bridge fell down today.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “It’s not all that bad.”

“Oh, he speaks. He hasn’t taken a vow of silence. My apologies, Brother Bartholomew. I was wrong.” Dan grinned at me and reached over and ruffled my hair.

I usually ducked when strangers touched me, but Dan’s touch was reassuring, comforting, heavy enough to tell me he was there but not oppressive or controlling. “You’re a church guy. You’re not supposed to be making fun of religion.”

“Why ever not? A bunch of people taking themselves way too seriously. I have the right path -- no, my path is the only way -- you’re both wrong, the path is behind you. And don’t even get me started on those holy rollers on television.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Dan’s expression of utter disgust with he mentioned television evangelists.

“OK, now that I know you can speak are you all right with coming to church?”

I nodded.

“Don’t go all silent with me now that we’re back on more serious topics.” Dan ruffled my hair again and smiled. 

“It wasn’t about church, exactly, if that’s your concern.”

“So what was it about?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You come this morning red eyed and primed for a fight, and you tell me you don’t know what it’s about. Weren’t you taught not to lie?”

I ducked my head and would have jumped from the wall if Dan hadn’t caught the back of my jacket.

“”And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”” Dan winked at me. “I need to keep up my quota of biblical passages for the day. I think I’m still down three.”

I gave Dan a small smile, but I still said nothing.

“If you won’t talk to me, let me get Quill. He’s the one you should be talking to, anyway.”

“No.” I put a hand arm and grabbed Dan’s arm as he started to stand up.

“Ok. But you talk, now. You don’t sit there like a frog on a lilly pad.” I licked my lips and swallowed. Dan was half standing and looking down at me with his most toppish expression. “What went on this morning?”

I swallowed again. I didn’t want to be difficult. Dan was trying to be nice in his toppish way, and I knew he thought he was helping, but I couldn’t make myself answer.

Dan grabbed my hand and pulled me off the wall. “Let’s go find Quill.”

“Please, no,” I croaked and made a frantic grab at the stones on the wall. “Don’t do this to Quill. Don’t make him.”

“Don’t make him do what?”

I shut up. I’d already said too much. Dan was a top. He was going to figure it out.

Dan grabbed my shoulders, sinking his fingers in deeply, and shook me. “Talk to me, boy.” He was all top now, no gentle religious leader, guiding a child by the hand.

I swallowed hard and blinked. I could feel the tears trying to escape through my lashes.

“You’re a mess, boy.” Dan pulled me into his chest and gave me a rib crushing hug before he pushed me to arm’s length and held me there, studying my face. “What doesn’t Quill do? You have sex, don’t you?”

I could feel my cheeks flame, but I couldn’t help but smile at the teasing grin on Dan’s face.

“I didn’t think that was the problem. Your man is much too good looking for a life of celibacy. That would be torture. So what doesn’t he do?” It must have been my lucky -- or perhaps more accurately, my unlucky -- day depending on how you looked at it because I could see the pieces of the puzzle sliding into place. “What did Quill do to you this morning?”

I stood silent. I didn’t discuss my brat qualities with mere acquaintances.

Dan snorted with impatience. “I’m not your grandmother, I’m a top, and I do loads of couples counseling. You don’t want to know what goes on behind closed doors in straight households.”

“Cold shower, extra chores, corner time, controlled bed time,” I rattled it off quickly as if I were reading a script, not talking about my home life. Quill hadn’t actually proclaimed an early bedtime yet, but I figured it was coming. He’d promised it if he had to put me in a cold shower.

“No spanking?”

“A couple of swats.”

“What about after the Halloween thing?”

I shook my head.

“Has he ever spanked you?”

I shook my head.

“He should be nominated for sainthood,” Dan said with a sigh. “I should take you over my knee right now for not telling your partner what you needed. You’re the one with experience at this.”

“He’s the top,” I muttered.

“Yes, and you’re the brat, not a child, not an incompetent.” The sharpness in Dan’s voice was making me feel about as big as a six year old even as he insisted I wasn’t a child. “Tell your partner you need a spanking. This is a partnership, and Quill’s not a mind reader. This is not a time to be shy.”

“I can’t.”

“Do I have to spell it out for you word for word?” Dan said, exasperated. “You have a guideline of behaviors and consequences, don’t you?”

I quickly nodded. We had a short list. It was by no means complete or even very detailed, but with the expression on Dan’s face I wasn’t going to suggest that it was anything but perfect. Otherwise I could see him dragging both Quill and me into his office and making us write page after page of rules.

“Some of the consequences include spanking?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, there you go.”

I looked at him incredulously. Was he suggesting I intentionally break rules to get spanked?

“It’s not the most elegant solution, but it will be easier after the first time. You have to teach Quill. He tries hard, and he’s a natural top, but this is all still a foreign language to him. Now I expect to hear all about it next time I see you. And you don’t have to come to church. Drop by and see me sometime. Sam’s been bugging me to have you come to dinner.”

I blanched. “I think I’d rather come to church.”

Dan laughed. “Don’t let Sam fool you. He’s a harmless, sweet boy. Maybe a little flamboyant for your taste?”

That was putting it mildly. He seemed to be a downright maniac and didn’t care who saw. 

“There’s a church luncheon next week. He’ll be there.”

“I can’t wait. I’m suffering from green bean casserole deprivation.” Where did that come from? I usually didn’t get snarky in front of people. Thank God, Dan seem to think it was funny.

“A man after my own heart. Lilly will probably bring her chicken tetrazzini next week. It could double as wallpaper paste. Why don’t you make something? I understand you can cook.”

“A little.” Seven years with Lawrence had taught me well. I could whip up a covered super dish with one hand tied behind my back.

“Maybe you could offer a cooking class. It would be a mitzvah for the whole community.”

“Lawrence was the expert.”

“If it doesn’t come from a can, you’d be a hero. Think about it.”

I nodded and surprised myself as I started to review recipes in my head. Everybody could do lasagna or shepherd’s pie.

“You could do the prep in the kitchen during service if you don’t want to deal with the abracadabra stuff as you put it. Let me know if you want to do it, I’ll need to put it in the church bulletin.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, that’s what I’m here for.  And if you want to know more about the church come talk with me or Andy but don’t feel like you have to. But you do have to talk to me if you and Quill are having problems. You guys are too cute together to let fall apart because you can’t figure out how to talk to each other. OK, kid?”

“Yeah.” I could feel a blush creep up my cheeks. Cute wasn’t a way I would’ve described myself.

Dan gave me a quick hug and kissed the top of my forehead. “Now let’s go find your partner.” 

Quill, Andy, and Justin were around the front of the building raking leaves. Actually they weren’t raking the leaves, more playing in them. I felt a stab of jealousy as Justin dumped a handful of leaves down Quill’s sweater and took off running with both Andy and Quill chasing him. He was laughing and having a great time.

Dan gave me a push. “Go help Justin. It’s not fair two against one.”

I grabbed a handful of leaves and threw myself onto the pile of laughing and squirming bodies. We did finally manage to get the leaves raked and didn’t put on too much of a show for the passing cars.

*********

*********

I watched the cup shatter across the kitchen floor; the handle skittered under the dishwasher, and china sherds decorated the floor like colored sprinkles on holiday sugar cookies. I hadn’t been quick enough to stop Jake. I’d reached for his wrist, but he’d been faster. Jake looked at me, his eyes wide and plaintive under his long lashes. He knew what I’d promised, and now I had to fulfill my end of the deal. I’d swatted him a few times, but I’d never spanked him.

“Jake, corner.” I pointed towards the corner in the the kitchen. Since we started this arrangement in October, I’d cleared a corner in every room. Just the sight of the corner seemed to keep the worst of the demons at bay. Jake started to protest, and I pointed again. “Don’t dig yourself in any deeper.” Jake shuffled over to the corner; I could see the tension in his back and shoulders. 

I gripped the counter with my hands, my knuckles white. I was going to have to go through with this. It’d been a flat blatant challenge as demon Jake had hurled the teacup to the floor. He’d even looked at me to make sure I wasn’t going to miss it. I’d punished him before, but I’d always been able to justify stopping with lines, corner time, or extra chores. Now I needed to cross that line. I took a deep breath. It was Jake who was supposed to be regrouping in the corner, but it was really me who needed the time to gather my strength.

I saw Jake squirm and try to look back over his shoulder. “Eyes front. Don’t you even think about moving,” I barked. Jake quickly stilled. I think I’d shocked him with the authoritative sound in my voice. To be honest, I’d shocked myself. Of course I was getting used to these shocks. I’d spent thirty-five years being blissfully ignorant of tops and brats and all the complications that went with these relationships until I’d fallen head over heels in love with Jake. Now I’d stood over my lover while he’d copied tedious lines into a notebook, I’d forced an adult to bed at ten, and I’d planted him in the corner more times than I could count. “Fifteen minutes. Then I want to know why you thought it was necessary to break china all over the floor.”

I grabbed the dustpan and broom from the pantry and swept the biggest bits up. We were both wearing shoes; I could vacuum later. I snatched the portable phone from the counter and climbed the stairs, stopping at the landing where they curved up the final few steps to the upstairs bedroom. I could still see Jake from here, but hopefully he couldn’t hear me. I looked down at my boyfriend, my lover, and I guess my brat. 

I punched in the numbers on the phone. How had I come to know the church number by heart? I hadn’t regularly gone to church since I’d left for college and come out. Honestly, I’d stopped believing the fall of my junior year of high school. It was then I’d told my parents that if they didn’t let me transfer to public high school I would do something to get kicked out. I yanked my thoughts back to Jake; those memories I preferred to keep buried.

Andy answered the phone. I was infinitely glad that it wasn’t one of the women who volunteered in the church office. I didn’t want to explain why I needed Dan immediately. “Andy, it’s Quill.”

“Do you need Dan?” My brother had always been sharp. He didn’t even wait for my answer. “I’ll get him.”

Dan’s voice came on the phone deep and quiet. “This is Dan.”

“Are you someplace private?”

“Give me a minute.” I heard the sound of a door closing, and then Dan came back on the phone. “OK, spill it.”

“I need to spank Jake.”

Dan chuckled. “It’s about time.”

“It’s not funny. I don’t think I can do this.”

Dan’s voice changed to a deeper, stronger pitch. I could imagine his stare if we were in the same room. “You have a responsibility. He’s your brat.”

I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know how to do it.”

“You mean the mechanics of it?” I could hear the smile in Dan’s voice. “Haven’t you ever been spanked?”

“No, my parents didn’t believe in it.”

“Good for them, but Jake’s not a child. You’re going to put Jake over your lap and spank him with your hand.”

“I don’t think I can do this,” I whispered into the phone. The picture of Jake laid across my knee was somehow sickly disturbing.

“He’s your boy. You have to do it. I should put you over my knee just for making him work so hard to get you to do it. What did he finally do?”

“Threw a teacup on the floor.”

“Cut and dry then. I guess he did take my advice.”

“What?” I said, raising my voice and then dropping it again when I saw Jake’s head whip around. “You told him to throw the china around?”

“I told him to tell you he needed spanked. I left the exact mechanics to him.”

“Wonderful,” I groaned. “Just wonderful.”

“Where is Jake now?”

“In the corner.”

“All right, you’re going to go get Jake, lead him to where you’ve decided to spank him, and get it done. Listen to him. He’s an experienced brat, he’ll help you through it.”

“How will I know when it’s enough?”

“Jake will know; watch his body language. It will get quieter, calmer. He’ll be crying, but he won’t be fighting you. Plus, your hand will hurt.”

“This sounds awful.”

“The time afterward can be beautiful. Make sure you comfort Jake. Let him know he’s forgiven, loved.”

“I think I’m the one who’s going to need comfort.”

“I know,” Dan said softly with a lot of warmth. “You’ll both need to take comfort from each other. Now go take care of your boy.”

I turned off the phone with a sigh. Dan made this sound easy and normal. I looked down the steps at Jake in the kitchen. He was leaning his head against the wall; from the cant of his shoulders I suspected he was crying. His wavy, chestnut hair was just skimming the top of his collar; he’d want to get it cut soon. I liked to stroke his locks when they cascaded over his ears, but Jake seemed to prefer his hair worn with military neatness. Every time it’d started to creep down his neck, he’d become agitated, practically pulling out handfuls with his own fingers. From the few comments he’d let slip, I think Lawrence had insisted on the short hair and had harassed Jake if it was not the perfect cut. I didn’t care; it was his hair. 

I forced my mind away from Jake’s hair and back to the job at hand. I walked down the steps, put my hand on Jake’s shoulder, and turned him to face me. His face was wet with tears as he buried his face in my shoulder. “Come with me.” I took his wrist and pulled him towards the stairs and the spare room. I couldn’t say anymore; I couldn’t even look at him. If I did more than tow him up the stairs behind me I was going to break into tears and cuddle my boy against my chest, the spanking thrown by the wayside.

The spare bedroom was its usual cluttered mess. Half the bed was hidden under a giant blow up turkey and tangled strings of holiday lights. For some reason that I couldn’t discern, Justin had carried the Christmas stuff down from the attic when he’d put away the Halloween paraphernalia. Boxes of I don’t know what all were piled like a set of children’s blocks ready to tumble at the slightest movement.

I sat down on the bed and pulled Jake down next to me, rolling the inflatable turkey to the floor. “Why am I going to spank you?”

“For throwing the dishes.”

“Yes. Did you throw the cup because you wanted me to spank you?” I saw Jake catch his breath and look down at his jeans. “Never mind; we’ll talk about it later.” Jake shot me an uncertain look. I was blowing this; I was supposed to be in charge, masterful, whatever the hell that was. I cleared my throat. “Shit,” I murmured. “I need your help. I’ve never done this before.”

My confession of incompetence must have loosened Jake up because he rolled his eyes at me. “The usual practice is to tell me to drop my pants and get across your knees. But you’re the top. It’s your call.”

“All right smarty pants,” I said, swatting Jake’s thigh. “Jeans and boxers off.” I thought for a moment Jake was going to protest, but he slid his boxers and jeans down to his ankles and draped himself over my thighs. In this position, he was heavier than I expected. I spread my thighs to distribute the weight more evenly and ran my hand down Jake’s back, stopping at his upturned rump. I stoked along the soft cheeks. Jake squirmed lightly, I’m sure wondering when I was going to get on with it. I landed the first swat, leaving a pink handprint in its wake. Five swats later Jake started to yelp. What had Dan said? I would know when it was enough. Jake didn’t seem contrite -- more like cheeky. I continued to swat; Jake’s yelps became more urgent and then turned to quiet sobs. I stopped. This must be the point. I rubbed my sore hand against Jake’s shoulders. If his butt felt like my hand, he had to be sore.

Jake started wriggling, and I let him slide off me until he sank onto his knees between my thighs, his head resting in my lap. I stoked his hair, making incomprehensible cooing noises. Jake choked back a sob and looked up a slight smile playing on his wet cheeks. “For pleading to be a novice, you did a good job. That hurt.”

If there hadn’t been that slight smile, I think I would have been mortified, but I could tell he seemed happier. I didn’t understand why this worked, and I didn’t want to explore the ramifications of my new knowledge. Instead I was driven by a near primal force to comfort Jake. I dropped a kiss on his forehead, smoothing the hair back from his eyes. “Come on. Let’s go downstairs and get comfortable.”

I wrapped an arm around Jake and guided him back down to the living room. He was still sniveling but had most of his tears under control. We collapsed on the sofa; Jake rolled on his hip and lay his head against my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair. The repetitive stroking was doing as much to calm me down as Jake. I don’t know how long we sat there, but Jake started fingering the Parcheesi pieces on the coffee table. Jake hadn’t played many games as a kid or with Lawrence, but I found that he seemed to enjoy the simple favorites that everybody knew. The mindless pushing of Parcheesi tokens around the board seemed to be one of his current favorites. 

We’d played almost three complete games when the doorbell shattered the quiet of the house. I was supposed to be the game expert, but Jake had won the first two games and was leading in the third with his quiet strategy of blocking my pieces. Jake scrambled to smooth his hair and straighten his clothes as I went to get the door. Even with his frantic efforts, he looked rumpled.

I opened the front door to find Dan and Sam bearing sacks from the local diner and a cup carrier full of milkshakes. Sam thrust the bags of food into my hands and bounded into the living room. I could hear him crashing around and teasing Jake about the children’s game we were playing. I didn’t have to turn around and look to know that Jake was cringing and wishing he was anywhere but here.

“I thought you might need some moral support,” Dan said with a small, genuine smile. “Did you both survive it?”

“Yeah, is it always this hard?”

“No one said being a top was easy, but it has its rewards.” Dan wrapped a long arm around my shoulder, drew me close, and kissed my forehead. I’d seen him do this a couple times with Jake, but the open display of affection still startled me. “You’re like your partner, flinch at the slightest touch,” Dan teased. “Let’s go rescue Jake from Sam before they both get themselves in more trouble. Neither of them probably want to get spanked again today.”

I’d raised an eyebrow in surprise. “You spanked him this morning?”

“Oh, yeah. He did something to guarantee it. I doubt if he wants to sit down much now.” Dan gave me an evil smile and headed towards the living room where the noise was getting louder. He grabbed Sam and swatted him hard. “Stop tormenting Jake.”

“Ow! I wasn’t doing anything. Jake’s the one who’s the stick in the mud. It’s not like he’s never been spanked before.”

“Do I need to take you upstairs?” Dan warned. “Not everyone’s comfortable parading his private life around in public.”

“Well, it’s not like we’re in public. I just wanted to see the damage; I showed him mine.”

“Settle down, or you’ll have a lot more damage to display.” Dan landed three more swats. Sam squirmed at each swat as if he were painful from this morning.

I saw Jake stare at him, his eyes wide. He turned, made some excuses about napkins from the kitchen, and darted for the door. Dan reached out and effortlessly caught him by the wrist. I’m sure he had considerable experience catching fleeing partners. With Sam, how could you not?

“For someone who lived this lifestyle for seven years, you’re mighty shy about it. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about; it’s who you are,” Dan said quietly. “Even though you don’t need to advertise it like Sam.”

“I prefer to keep it quiet,” Jake hissed and flushed.

“Quiet is one thing. Pretending you don’t do it is an entirely different matter. It’s hard to be alone all the time.” Dan gave Jake a gentle push down on the sofa and started unpacking the food.

Sam sank down to his knees on the other side of the coffee table. “I’m too sore to sit,” he said cheerfully. “Don’t worry. I don’t do the slave thing.” He gave Dan a cheeky grin.

“Maybe we should try it. Maybe I could keep you out of trouble as a naked, chained slave boy.” Dan tried to look stern, but he couldn’t hide his grin.

Jake studied the hamburger in front of him. He’d never outgrown the little kid’s preference for plain burgers and was scraping the mustard, ketchup, and pickle into an untidy heap. Taking a bite out of the now plain burger, he watched Sam as if he were a viper poised to strike. I squeezed onto a spot on the sofa and draped my arm over his shoulder. He flinched and drew away.

“We’re in our own home,” I said mildly, keeping my arm around his shoulder.

Jake rolled his eyes at me. “You’ve got it too -- public displays of affection.”

“Get over yourself,” Sam snorted. “It’s not like we’re group fucking.”

“Excuse me,” Dan said with icy politeness, uncurling his long legs and plucking his hapless partner off the floor. “The bathroom is down the hall to the right, isn’t it?”

I nodded wondering what he wanted with the bathroom. The half bath downstairs was too small to spank someone in. I actually wasn’t sure how they were both going to fit in it. They managed because I heard the door click shut and water start to run. 

Jake must have noticed my puzzled expression because he turned to me and said, “Soap.”

“What?” I said, still not understanding.

“Dan’s washing Sam’s mouth out. It’s the customary punishment for swearing. Not creative but customary.”

I tried to block out the bangs and curses coming from the bathroom. The whole process sounded unpleasant. “You didn’t put it in the Chance deck?”

“I hated it. It always made me mad, and I’d end up getting spanked afterward for something worse.” Jake blushed and looked at his hamburger.

“I like our system better.” I hugged Jake close to my chest. “It’s more unique for a very unique partner.”

Jake smiled, a pleased flush tinged his cheeks an endearing shade of pink. “It’s not like you follow the tops’ rulebook, punishing yourself for swearing.”

“There’s a rulebook! Why didn’t you tell me? It would have saved me all this angst,” I teased, pleased to see that Jake had relaxed.

“You like gamesmanship. Inventing the rules just added to the challenge.” A teasing smile flitted across Jake’s face, and he shoved several ketchup covered fries into his mouth.

Dan and Sam came out of the bathroom, looking more like they’d been battling the hundred year flood than having a simple mouth soaping. Both their shirts and trousers were at the dripping stage; I feared for the condition of the bathroom. Dan had his arm tightly around Sam’s shoulders and seemed to be corralling a subdued partner towards us.

“I think the bathroom survived its service, but I could use a mop,” Dan said with the most relaxed smile I’d ever seen on his face. He’d always been friendly towards us, but I’d always gotten the feeling of controlled power and that he was analyzing me and my relationship with Jake -- a veneer of professionalism. Now he just looked friendly.

“I’ll get the mop,” I said, starting to get up.

“Wait. Sam has something to say to you.” Dan kept his arm around his partner’s shoulders, drawing him into the protection of his chest.

“I’m sorry for the foul language and inappropriate comments,” Sam said hurriedly, looking at his partner instead of us. “Dan says it’s because I like Jake, and I want to get him to notice me. I’ve never had another brat as a friend before.”

“Me either,” Jake said shyly.

“Good, that’s over.” Dan kissed Sam before letting him go. “All this drama just because he wants a new friend,” Dan said with a theatrical sigh.

Dan and I tidied up the remains of the flood in the bathroom. I found some towels in the dryer, and Dan mopped up the water and soap residue. “You don’t know any other couples like us?” I asked, folding a fresh towel over the rack.

“I know a few; they just don’t live here. You don’t much like living such an exotic life?” Dan said, gazing at me with that inscrutable look that he seemed to have perfected.

“It’s weird,” I said with a sigh.

“It’s working for you, isn’t it? Jake seems a lot happier than last Sunday.”

I could tell from Dan’s expression that he was back in work mode. The soft, easy smile he’d worn with Sam was now gone, and I could see him analyzing my answers. “You don’t have to go all priest and counselor with me. I think I liked you better in friend mode.”

“I think you need both.”

I winced at his words but said nothing.

“You two are both impossible,” Dan said with a note of frustration but also with a teasing lilt in his voice. I thought for a second he was going to swat me, but instead he reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “At least talk to each other, but you might find it easier if you ran stuff by me first.” Dan gave me a controlled smile and headed out of the bathroom.

I leaned against the bathroom wall and caught my breath. Why did he have this effect on me? I always felt stunned and exposed after talking to him even when he said very little. I wondered if all the parishioners felt like Dan could see through them, like x-ray eyes to the soul -- a handy talent for a priest. Good thing none of the Jesuit brothers had this talent who taught in high school. I would’ve been in permanent detention. My thoughts weren’t exactly pure, but theirs weren’t either.

Jake, Dan, and Sam were sitting around the coffee table laughing. They’d pushed the Parcheesi game to the floor and were setting up Sorry -- as far as I was concerned a poor knockoff of Parcheesi. Dan looked up at me and gave me what I was beginning to recognize as his are you OK smile. I sat down and took the green tokens. I would have preferred a game with complex strategy -- something to occupy my mind and everybody else's.

We moved our pieces around for a few turns, not talking about anything when Dan cocked his head to the left and studied both Jake and me. Oh, God here it comes. Dan didn’t get a chance to say anything because Sam broke in with a full scale rapid fire questions.

“What was up last Sunday? I saw Quill drag you out. I can’t believe he didn’t spank your butt. Are you coming this Sunday? It’s luncheon instead of coffee.”

Jake blushed crimson and muttered something about it being my turn. I moved my piece and took great pleasure in sending one of Sam’s men back to the start. 

“Meanie, but don’t think that will make me forget my question.” Sam elbowed Jake in the ribs.

I was going to intervene, but Dan was quicker. “Don’t prod at people. It’s not polite.” He then turned towards me and continued, “I do think it’s a fair question, maybe a little tactless but fair.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if you’re coming to church this Sunday, or you don’t know what was going on with Jake?”

I shrugged again. Suddenly Sorry was a fascinating game.

Dan looked at both of us, making us squirm in our seats. His eyes and expression were fierce. “You’re in a power exchange relationship. You have to talk, or it will fail or disintegrate into abuse. I know why Jake was melting down Sunday, and I’m not his partner.”

I looked at Jake, surprised. I’d tried to talk to him, but my only answers had been grunts and monosyllables. 

Jake must have noticed my discomfort under Dan’s glare because he mumbled at Dan, “He tried. He’s not as scary or as persistent as you are.”

“You’re an experienced brat; you knew you needed to talk to him.”

I saw Jake’s head drop and tears form in the corner of his eyes under Dan’s criticism. He wasn’t usually this sensitive. Maybe it was the after effects of the spanking.

“I’m a lousy brat.”

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest, letting him bury his face in my shirt. “No, you’re not. You’re my brat, and I love you.” The word brat still tasted funny in my mouth, like I was dealing with a child, but it was the way that Jake had addressed himself.

“Not everyone likes to talk as much as you,” Sam said, rolling his eyes at his partner. “It’s like an endless round of twenty questions.”

“It helps, doesn’t it?” Dan said calmly.

“Yeah, it does,” Sam agreed in a subdued tone after a long pause. I had the feeling this was a long standing area of dispute between the two of them. “What’s the big deal about talking to Quill? He doesn’t seem like the type who would bite your head off.” Dan made a playful lunge at Sam who laughed and dodged. “Really, it’s not that bad. Dan just parks me in his study until I talk. Four hours was my longest holdout.”

“No, five,” Dan teased. “Remember Mrs Clawson and the spiked punch.”

“Don’t remind me,” Sam said with a theatrical rub of his butt.

Jake had started to untangle himself from my chest and was watching Sam as if he were an exotic animal at the zoo. “I wish it was that easy for me,” he murmured under his breath.

“What was that easy? Getting in trouble or accepting yourself? Accepting you want your partner to intervene? Wasn’t that what Sunday was all about?” Dan asked. He’d trapped Sam’s hands in his own, obviously wanting to keep his partner still and out of the conversation.

“I don’t like to get in trouble,” Jake said softly. He could’ve fooled me. Throwing the cup across the floor had been an outright challenge. “But I need..” 

Come on Jake, I thought, tell me what you need. I can’t read your mind.

Dan looked at me as if he expected me to jump right into the conversation. He gave me glare of pure exasperation. “Weren’t you listening? How do you and your brothers do it? Smoke signals?”

“What?” I said, still not following the conversation.

“Ask Jake what he needs. He gave you the opening.” I think if Dan hadn’t been holding his partner in place, he might have shaken me like an errant puppy.

“What did you want?” I ran my hand through Jake’s hair, tangling my fingers in his slight curls.

Jake looked like he wanted to crawl under the sofa. “I needed to know you could spank me,” he finally choked out.

I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone’s face that shade of red but when Dan stood, kissed his cheek and whispered, “good boy,” Jake turned an even more interesting shade of crimson. Dan then captured me in his steel colored eyes. “Do you understand why he needed spanked?”

I froze in his gaze, feeling like I had at twelve standing in front of the Latin teacher and a blank board, unable to write the translation. I searched my mind for what Dan had told me at our first meeting. “Security, trust, boundaries,” I hazarded.

“That’s right, but try to sound more sure of yourself. You shouldn’t be guessing in a relationship, especially in this kind. You know we’ll help you anyway we can.” Dan’s voice had softened, and he’d moved back to sit next to Sam, one arm loosely draped around his partner’s shoulders.

We played another couple of turns with me engrossed in what Jake had just said. He needed me to spank him. He wouldn’t be happy with the occasional swat and creative punishments. I hadn’t turned into a leather clad, whip brandishing maniac at the first spank. Maybe I could do this, but I was too ordinary for this. I almost laughed out loud at the word ordinary. I’m sure my family would beg to differ, but this was far outside the realm of a fancy dress ball and a miniature golf game.

“What about the other question?” Dan suddenly said.

“What other question?” I moved my token to its home base -- only one more to go.

“Are you coming to church this Sunday?” 

I, of course, had remembered the question, but the answer hid from me in a complicated mass of memories. Thoughts and feelings I thought I’d buried twenty years ago. I’d never have started this whole church thing if I’d thought they would resurface. “I don’t know. I have a lot of work to do to get the store ready for the Christmas season, and I don’t think Jake’s too crazy about it.”

“I want to go,” Jake said with surprising force.

I stared at him, startled. We’d talked about church and religion before our first visit, but not in a clear, coherent way that I’m sure Dan was going to wrest out of us if given half a chance.

“It’s a part of Americana that I’ve never experienced, and you like it.” Jake shrugged. “It’s not like its onerous, except for the covered dishes.”

“We could bring something,” I said, glad to deflect the conversation from religious topics.

“Jake,” Dan said gently, “if you want to know more about the Episcopal church, you can ask Andy or me. It’s what we do for a living.” 

He gave Jake a warm smile, and I realized again how good he was at his job. I hoped what I saw was real, not what I’d seen before. I suppressed a small shudder. Andy was honest and believed, and Dan had been generous to a fault. Hell, I trusted Dan and liked Dan. I pushed the memories back down, not now, not ever. 

“And Quill, are you sure you’re all right with this? There is no obligation to come to church because I’ve stopped by and chatted with you. I consider you a friend, and your brother as part of the family.”

It was the most circumspect I’d ever heard Dan. I swallowed hard. Could he know? Andy couldn’t know; he’d been too young when it happened, and nothing had happened, I told myself firmly. It’d been but a suggestion. I’d overreacted. “I enjoy the ritual,” I said blandly. It was the truth, just not the whole truth. 

Fortunately further conversation was avoided by Sam getting his last piece home and jumping up and down with glee. Dan dumped the board and pieces back in the box with a dramatic show of looking at his watch. “Come on, dear,” he said, clucking his tongue affectionately, “we have stuff to do at home.”

“Yeah, like laundry,” Sam moaned.

“Quit complaining.” Dan gave Sam a light swat, more a token of affection than a correction. “Get, boy. I think our hosts would like some privacy.” Dan gave us a lascivious wink, but I knew without a doubt that he expected us to talk rather than rut like tom cats on the prowl.

We showed him to the door, Jake a half step behind me. I still felt that Jake was half terrified of Dan. The honest truth was that I could say the same about myself. “Thanks for the meal and conversation,” I said, holding out my hand.

Dan ignored my outstretched hand, pulled me into a hug, and kissed my forehead firmly.  He did the same with Jake. “Behave, you two,” he growled before tugging Sam to the car and driving into the falling night.

I looked at Jake. He looked as shellshocked as I felt. We both watched the taillights disappear into the gloom. “I’m glad I’m not the only one he has that affect on. I feel like I’ve been interrogated by a master. The modern Spanish Inquisition.”

“Don’t even think it. He might turn around and come back.” Jake said, with a laughing smile on his handsome face.

I grabbed my partner, pressing my lips to his in a deep kiss, forgetting that we were standing under the porch light visible to the street. “I love you.”  We both ducked towards the shelter of the door as a flicker of car lights came around the corner. “I love you,” I repeated. I’d have to remember to thank Dan, I thought as we turned and entered the house.